Delusions and Table Salt
Saturday, May 08, 2004
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Combining all my blogs. Here is the address:


I like letting people leave comments.
Monday, May 03, 2004
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Spent the weekend in Parkersburg at Terry's. We sat around talking of times past and people we once knew when we were young and naive, and tried to figure out where some are now. Also went to see Mean Girls, which I thought the best teen comedy I'd seen since the 1980's.

And now vacation is over, and I can get back to this drab existence of work, work, sleep, eat, and work.

The printed score for Dark Mission was in the mail when I arrived. It looks good. Now all I have to do is orchestrate before time to start Varmints. If not, then I'll just work on both at the same time.

Talked to MeAnne before I went to bed last night, so at least I went to bed happy. Depression's back now, but I figure that is simply because I don't want to deal with people tonight. Then again, I never want to deal with people.

Current Mood: Sulky
Listening: Hilary Duff, Metamorphosis
Reading: Nothing at the moment, but trying to decide what book to take to work tonight.
Friday, April 30, 2004
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With this the jist and sum of it,
What earthly good may come of it?

----- Dorothy Parker
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WOOHOO Sweetie emailed me!!!! :):):) Miss her so bad

Current Mood: Happy
Listening: Still silent. hehe Too early :)

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While I was cleaning things out of my storage building this morning, I came across my High School Yearbooks.

I can remember trying to be the preppy kid in 9th Grade, and still being the Loser. I had blocked this out, but I found a picture in that book of me walking beside the Football Field at Sherman High, wearing a shirt, a vest, and those god-awful glasses I used to wear. Was such a nerd... (laugh)

And other pictures... Pictures of some friends I've seen several times since... Pictures of some friends I haven't seen since Graduation but I understand are doing well... Pictures of friends dead and gone...

Do I believe in an Afterlife? Yes, perhaps... As a lifelong Deist (but yet raised Baptist hehe), I'm inclined not to accept anything without concrete evidence... However, I have lived in haunted houses, I have performed in haunted theatres, and this proven to me by my eyes as well as my other senses...

But those yearbooks...

I took special interest in the pictures from a New York trip we made in 10th Grade. I remember a group of us sneaking out of the hotel at 2 in the morning to walk to Times Square and back, and then hiding in the alcove for a few hours later, because we noticed our chaperone standing at the top of the stairs as we went back in. Even without the caption in the Yearbook, I would still remember waiting in the Lobby all night for a pizza that never arrived. I remember the boys and girls being segregated, but we would all end up in one room once the calls from the chaperones went around to make sure we were in bed. I even remember the girl on whom I had one of the worst crushes of my life.

I have only spoken to two people who went on that trip since we all Graduated... Someday, I intend to look them all up...

And the memories flow....

I wish I was 16 again. Part of me has wished this since my 17th birthday, but now at 31 (My God), it seems the rest of me has caught up with this wish. I wish I was 16 but still possessing what little wisdom I have accumulated in the 15 years since.

And innocence? I sometimes weep for mine. All innocence was lost in a public pool in Florida when I was 14 (and the only time yet in my life that I have completely enjoyed sex). I still don't know whose idea it was, if either of ours. We decided to find out what it was like to kiss.... Then we decided to find out what it was like to french kiss... Then, before our tongues left the other, I was ripping off her bathing suit, and she was pulling down my swimming trunks... And yes, we did a few more things to each other between the initial nudity and the actual penetration...

And yes, she was younger than I. Probably explains some certain things about me now... Or at least I have wondered if this wasn't the beginning...

But I did manage to keep this secret from all but a few people until just now. Oh well... C'est la vie.

Beautiful memory though... :)

I think I need Psychological help... I haven't been to a therapist since I was 15, because Dad felt it would look bad on him and his dear reputation if his son was seeing a psychologist. Perhaps I really need to face what kind of monster I am. And I don't just mean all that hinted above.

Well, at least Me-Anne loves me.... :) Always a comfort. :) I need her now more than ever, when I am in this mood. At least she is a reason to keep living. :)

But these memories keep flooding my mind...

How many graduating High School Seniors realize that they will soon place their High School Diplomas in the bottom of a box and never look at them again? I didn't see mine again until this past year...

And so it looks like I have typed almost all night...

I think I feel a little better than I did. Therapeutic...

Current Mood: Content
Listening: Still silence. Don't feel like music yet.
Thinking: About checking to see if Me-Anne has written again. I've stopped thinking about slitting my wrists for today, I hope :)
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SO HERE WE ARE April 30 Part I

So here I am in the middle of Vacation back in West Virginia. I decided to create this blog as a place to work through daily thoughts, as my other blog is what is happening in business, and I have a lot more personal thoughts than writers thoughts for now (although they go hand-in-hand The other is here. )

I am back at Tiff and Chris's house, having started late getting out of fucking Huntington (I had forgotten in my two years away how much I despise that city). Tiff is in bed, and her husband-to-be is in the other room playing video games, so I have full reign of the computer, especially since I am sleeping on the couch tonight - and that is currently in use.

I cannot sleep. My eyes are burning, and yet sleep won't come.

While looking through Tiff's friends on her livejournal the other night, I found a journal of someone whom I would still like to consider a friend (or even a little sister). I haven't spoken to her in years (I am not permitted over a rumor that went around over us), but I still care a lot. And again, I find myself in a nostalgic mood. I have very often wondered how my old friend was getting along, and it seems... not good (but at least seeming to be getting better). Wish I could be there to help.

And also, could I myself have caused some of the problems she seems to be having? I certainly hope not (I would rather die - well, considering I'm often suicidal, that phrase doesn't work, but you get my meaning), but one line in an email I got from her mother all those years ago keeps running through my mind, especially as I read.

God Dammit! I didn't fucking do anything, as she would attest herself! At least not what I heard I did!

I wish I could be there now to let her know there are people who do care.

I know I have little or nothing to feel guilty about, and yet I do anyway. I have now for five years. If you read this, please know I am sorry if I am at fault for anything. If it is at all possible, I'd like to still be a friend. Please forgive.

However, knowing that people do care sometimes is not near enough.

Personally, I only keep a very close circle of friends. Everyone I take into that circle, I make sure beforehand that they are at least partially trustworthy. I am not a forgiving person. Betray me and you're out. To this end, I can separate my Inner Circle from my Outer Circle, and from there to the Others. But know I would willingly die for anyone in my Inner Circle. The aforementioned would always be welcome in my Inner Circle.

But I am babbling...

Where was I?

Oh yes...

I know that people care for me, despite my many shortcomings. I know this very well. Then why does it often feel like nobody cares. I hate being a Depressive. I fucking hate it! And yet, I (stupidly) refuse to go back on my medication, for fear of what the lack of heightened emotion would do to my Art. Would I still be able to feel for characters and their situations enough to turn out an opera a year? I don't act anymore, so I needn't worry about that.

And yet, I often wonder why I can't just lie down and die....

Looks like I'm pretty messed up too..... But I've known that since I was a teenager.

On the other hand.....

I do have one special someone who can always make me smile. Not able to talk to her this week, as I am away from any form of communication a vast majority of the time. So I miss her more and more. Got an email from her since the last time I checked. Cheered me up considerably.

I'd think I was going crazy, though, if I didn't know I was hehe


Mood: Nostalgic and Down
Listening: Silence. I can't listen to music anymore without analyzing it.
Quote for the Day:
I can't think for the storm clouds in my head. I'll start the quotes some other time.

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